Jocks

"I wanna show you somethin' I'm REAL...proud of..."

In 1986, the director of "Lone Wolf McQuade" produced a college sports film in response to "Revenge of the Nerds" called "Jocks." Here is the awful trailer:



The film stars a dude named Scott Strader, and as best as I can tell, this was his last movie. One of my idols, Perry Lang of "Spring Break," also appears alongside Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds," that guy who played Frog in "Colors," Richard Roundtree, a dude you'd recognize from "Angels in the Outfield," a young Mariska Hargitay, and fucking Christopher Lee as a Dean at the college. DRACULA, you guys...

Plus, check this out: Future mega-director - and Weird Al look-alike - Tom Shadyac ("Ace Ventura," "Liar Liar," "Bruce Almighty") plays a shithead jerk-prep in the movie, which focuses on a team of tennis players, who are the only successful sports team on a campus where Dean Count Dracula desperately wants a win. So he sends Roundtree and his tennis players to the tennis nationals in Las Vegas, and the boys get in trouble cause they drink beer and like wearing sweaters cut off above their bellybuttons and totes dig ladies.

It's stupid fun, has a scene set in a lesbian bar filled with aggressive biker women who get sprayed with a fire extinguisher, and barely makes any sense -- like you taped over your older brother's copy of "Porky's" and spliced in footage of college students faking being drunk by a lake and playing ping-pong in 1985. Worth it all for the great scenes focusing on Ogre.

And there's a DOPE song called Power Play in it by Jimmy Osmond. PLEASE listen to it here:



Here's the super-sessy movie poster (NO ONE in this poster is in the movie):


And the original VHS box front:


And the VHS box back:


The film was released on DVD a while back and has gone out of print, thus it has become way more pricey than it deserves to be. Save your cash and pick up the delightful "Too Cool for School" DVD package, which includes "Jocks" and a BUNCH of other great, goofy films from that era. I'll get around to talking about them all here. Check out the set's box art:


And buy it here.

Oh, and the film has the most tame wet t-shirt contest in the history of drunk teens, which features ZERO wet t-shirts and ZERO nudity and a LOT of unapproving head-shaking and frowning. Just say no to wet t-shirts.

Evilspeak!

"You screwed up for the last time, pooper-dick!"

There is an absolutely outrageous amount of dope shit going on in this 1981 movie, which was banned for a while in England. Clint Howard plays a military school cadet (named STANLEY COOPERSMITH!) who get bullied so much that he types some Satanic stuff into a computer, which makes the computer want blood, and then some demon thing with a pig face comes to Earth, and then these fires start all over the place, and Clint Howard has a flaming sword, and I'm PRETTY sure a Jesus statue shoots a spike out of its wrist and into the forehead of a preacher like a murdering Spider-Man religion monster.

Here's the awesome movie poster! You owe it to yourself to click for a larger version.


And here's the trailer:



You can get an uncut DVD of the film here, but I don't know if I recommend it.

Vigilante Force

"What war?"

"MY WAR."

Kris Kristofferson teamed up with that dude from the Airwolf TV series for this NUTS movie about civil unrest in a small town, which results in the two men fighting each other with machine guns. Kristofferson totally gets in a street fight, and Airwolf-guy totally shoots at a shack filled with what looks like a group of prostitutes. Kristofferson shoulda been in Road House.

Check out that braggable Tiger shirt at the 1:40 mark:



And don't forget: "Broadway's Bernadette Peters dazzales as 'Little Dee."


(special thanks to Zach Oat!)

Little Monsters

This Fred Savage/Howie Mandel kids' film has some pretty gruesome scenes I was surprised to see when I was a kid. Even a recent re-watching had me creeped out a little here and there. Yay!

Here's a poster:


And the VHS cover:


A trailer:



And a rap video ad for some 1-800 phone-in contest tied to the film where you could win a signed photo of Fred Savage. Whaaaaat.